My First Separated Christmas

I knew this holiday was not going to be easy, but I went into it with a positive attitude.

He came over on Christmas Eve to see the girls, brought them gifts...Stayed for a while. He actually did more harm than good. He has not seen them since Thanksgiving weekend. And his schedule has been such that he has not called them much either.

What is happening is his oldest daughter is dying on the inside and now the outside. Over the past 2 days I have seen the sadness in her eyes. So much of it that i have seriously doubted if I did the right thing by leaving him.

I know that I was doing it basically all alone as it was, but at least at times there was someone there for me to cry on his shoulder and hug me. I miss stupid things like that. ANother adult/parent around so that I was not always the bad person or mean person in the house.

But the things that were going wrong so out numbered the few good things in our marriage that would at time go right. For example: I am very much all about the kids...and our relationship, he was all about himself, would work but lacking in the goal department.

Tonight I am struggling...between a sick baby that I can't seem to get her better to a 9 year old that hates the world. Tonight I am dying on the inside. The hurt is strong and its bad. I hurt so much I want to die. I hurt because I feel like all I am doing is causing more pain than am doing good.

This week is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus....and I am trying to stay focus...but alas when I am alone....I feel like I am dying. I don't know who I am anymore, correction I am a Mom but I don't know who Dawn is anymore. I am dying on the inside.